How to Not Win an Argument

Arguments. They’re bound to happen. And unfortunately the majority of them are with people we care about.  I used to think the most important thing was to win. But the superficial triumph faded quickly and what remained didn’t positively resonate with my core. After a decade of failed attempts to win I finally came to the conclusion that it's better not to. Stay with me.

My code first and foremost is to always lead from love. When tension arises the first thing I ask myself is, “Am I leading from love?” That pretty much answers all the surging questions. Am I emotionally in the right place to discuss this? Am I speaking clearly with good intentions? Am I justified on my stance that this disagreement has originated from? If you’re leading from love, the answer will always be yes. If you’re not, stop, take a walk and regroup.

Now, assuming you ARE leading from love consider abandoning the notion of ‘winning’ the argument. Because if you’re leading from love, and the tension is rising that means the person on the other side isn’t. So, you’ve already won because you're emotionally grounded and connected to the greater good. And if you choose to continue the conversation in hopes to share your outlook on leading from love, stop arguing about the details and introduce the most important question, “Is this leading from love?” Relate it to the variables being debated.

Example. The other night I had to break up a small fight between two dogs at the park. One of the women turned to me and said, “Oh, he doesn’t get out much.” I replied, “Why not?” She retorted, “Well, I work late and by the time I get home I’m too tired.” Me, “Why don’t you take a short nap so that you can regroup and take him for a walk?” Her, “I need to have a life too.” I said, “What does that have to do with taking your dog for a walk?” Her, “Well, I don’t always want to take him. Sometimes I just need to get out.” After a deep breath I said, “I take my girls for a walk every day, twice a day, because I believe it’s the loving thing to do. And my goal in life is to always lead from love.” She was momentarily speechless and then she blurted out all sorts of viewpoints that were meant to arouse an argument. I walked away.

From the outside looking in people would assume I lost. Maybe after hearing my story you feel I won. Either way it doesn’t matter, because I lead from love. And leading from love always makes me feel good about who I am. Complete people don’t need to win arguments. Be complete.

Peace and punches! 


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